In Defence of English Cooking and the English Breakfast Defence League

One of my favourite pieces of literature ever is a little-known George Orwell b-side called In Defence of English Cooking. Written for the Evening Standard back in 1945, In Defence puts paid to the myth that English cooking, widely derided as the worst in the world, is as bad as those pesky foreigners (i.e. French people) make it out to be.


Case in point being the mighty Full English Breakfast. A riot of taste and colour with a subtlety lost on the flimsy and effete palettes of the self-appointed gastronomes of the continent (i.e. French people). The Full English is a maze of different textures and hues with a charm and warmth lost on foolish myopes. Granted, it's heart failure on a plate but then again so is foie gras. Anyone for a dish of lukewarm bird fat?

Successfully negotiating a Full English Breakfast is almost like planning a military campaign. One often recalls the actions of the Duke of Marlborough at Blenheim when considering a route of approach. Where first to attack? Fried bread or toast?

Should one attempt to scale the fried bacon ridge before outflanking the eggs? Or engage the sausage barricades thereby leaving the tomatoes exposed? Or should one simply plough straight forward and tackle the beans? If you elect to choose the last option, you run the risk of leaving yourself exposed to a rather dry and sauce-free finish.

You ought therefore always consider the possibilities of condiments as reinforcements. Mopping up the last smatterings of ketchupy resistance with a battalion of unbuttered bread slices can lead to a satisfying endgame, especially if one is going for a double-envelopment of those pesky haricots.

The only aspect of a Full English Breakfast which I find quarellsome is the black pudding. This is in essence a giant pig scab. I'm sorry, but a blood sausage sounds a trifle too Germanic for my liking and as far as I'm concerned deserves no place on the English plate, despite our Saxon heritage. I never even attempt to start let alone finish a black pudding. I regard it as a contingent of Hessian mercenaries that have been employed by the enemy to distract my right flank.

There is also some controversy regarding the hash browns, considered by some to be an American invention. I myself however have fewer qualms with this as I regard America as being a crucial part of the Anglosphere. The humble hash brown is welcome at my table any day.

Vegetarians need not feel left out of the Full English glory as meat-free alternative composed of Quorn or Linda McCartney sausages and bacon substitutes can be just as agreeable, even if fake bacon rashers resemble old insoles (and tastes like what I imagine they would as well).

That's another point, if French cooking is so fantastic, why is it so hard for them to cater for vegetarians? I remember being on a trip to Paris when a vegetarian friend of mine asked for a meat-free option at a restaurant. The waiter returned, placing a steaming plate of carrot slices and broad beans in front of her. Granted that was nine years ago so things might have improved since then. Still, epic culinary fail from the supposed Hollywood of catering.

I don't normally talk about Facebook groups, as most of them are inane to the point that you spend about as much time thinking about them as it takes to read the title. This group however - the English Breakfast Defence League - support a cause I can totally get behind.

The Full English is a national treasure and ought to be regarded as such. I would like to see it afforded the same EU Protected Geographical Indication distinction as the Melton Mowbray pork pie and Roquefort cheese.

On the subject of the EU the Brussels Sprout, funnily enough, does not have PGI status...